Yes, You Can Masturbate When You’re Home for the Holidays.

Yes, You Can Masturbate When You're Home for the Holidays: Erica Loewy
Erica Loewy

If you’re single and don’t hate your parents, chances are you’ll end up spending at least one or two nights at home with your family during the holidays. Depending on how far away you live, and again, how much you do or don’t dislike your parents, it’s very possible that during that time spent sleeping in your childhood bedroom–possibly with your mom’s collection of Madame Alexander dolls and commemorative Princess Diana plates–you may get horny.

Human bodies are weird and gross and wonderful, and we’ve somehow evolved with the ability to get horny in the worst, most uncomfortable, and least sexualized spaces possible. Being unfortunately aroused while surrounded by your Little League trophies feels like a travesty and an affront to decency itself, because it is, but you’re an adult and you’ll need to handle this like an adult should–by rubbing one out quickly and discreetly.

Before arriving at this point, you may have considered cruising through hometown BRITISHMATURESEX.COM, the bizarre world version of conventional BRITISHMATURESEX.COM. This, of course, is terrible and disappointing because you aren’t and never will be horny enough to have sex with someone whose profile consists exclusively of gun-range pics. Calling up the old high school crush or college summer hookup buddy who stayed in town is also an option, albeit an existentially depressing one. Without a viable hookup buddy or significant other around to discreetly lend a helping hand while your parents are asleep, you’re on your own–so go for it.

As weird as it may feel to jerk off in your parents’ house, chances are you did plenty of jerking off in this very same room as a teenager, and you probably didn’t think much about it then. It was a simpler time, when showerheads suddenly became magical and your go-to move was the death grip. What better time to channel the wild sexual energies of your youth while actually remembering to lock the door this time?

A nostalgic jerk-off session could be fun, and hopefully you’ve learned to loosen the grip or upgraded to accessories that don’t waste water. Plus, winter is prime horny season–it’s cold out and all I want is someone to eat me out while I watch The Great British Baking Show–and it’s completely natural and normal to crave some hardcore Christmas/Hanukkah/Winter Solstice/New Moon sex. And couples who visit each other’s parents during the holidays have sex all the time, as weird as that is, so there’s no reason to feel ashamed of your winter sex needs because you happen to be unpartnered.

The best way to masturbate when you’re home for the holidays is to remember that you’re probably going to masturbate when you’re home for the holidays. Come prepared with the (quiet) accessories of your choice if you use any. Avoid a squeaky bed situation by rolling up a towel and sticking it between the wall and the headboard, and use that same towel for easy cleanup afterward. Coconut oil or olive oil straight from the pantry can also be used as lube in a pinch, and so can any number of DIY toys and accessories you may need, depending on how adventurous or desperate you are.

Nothing takes me back to my teen years like the memory of my old electric toothbrush, though I wouldn’t use it anymore to masturbate or brush my teeth. Be extra cautious with anything you choose as a butt toy, however, and follow the cardinal rule of butt toys–avoid any object that does not have a flared base. You most likely do not want to spend the holidays in the emergency room with something weird up your butt and your parents looking on in horror and shame.

Once you’re equipped, make a quick escape while your relatives are drunk and sleepy. Try not to think about it too much–and whatever you do, don’t use your mom’s crochet towels.